X-Men: First Class

Boosh here.

Haven’t posted in a while. Been busy battling odors and drug addiction.

I saw this movie like a month ago. I have a hardon for all things x-men related, so I watched it. It’s a marvel movie, so it’s automatically a mix of shitty and awesome. Like a hot girl with crabs. Actually who doesn’t like crabs?

This movie montages itself really hard in the bunghole. Within a week all the kids are pros and think they can sling their dicks over their shoulders.

The expendable characters in X-Men: First Class make this movie golden. 

Numero Uno. Black guy is the first mutant to die. Typical. A sign that the writers and director were too busy doing coke to think of something more original.

Numero Dos. Girl with wings. Useless. She starred in XXX-men. Hot.

And don’t wait for the credits to end, there’s no bonus scene.

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Marvel=Poop. But I like to get down in the brown. 

Alien (OSSLP)

Boosh here.

Man these people are stupid as fuck. All the death scenes had to be extra retarded because technology did not allow for believable things to happen. 1979. Instead of talking about the rest of this movie, I will experiment with fonts. 

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Poop. Chocolate atmosphere with huge chunks of poop. This is an extremely sweaty movie. Everyone is constantly melting except Bilbo Baggins. Sigourney Weaver is pretty boss.

Heathers (OSSLP)

Boosh here.

I was thinking Mean Girls in the 1980's. Heathers is way more nasty, sexy, tight, greasy, and slimey. There is an undeniable atmosphere that feels like what I imagine tripping on acid in the 90's must have felt like. O foc yah!

Winona Ryder is confusing to look at today; she's almost really hot but something about her face is fucked up and makes me feel unethical. In Heathers, she is super young and looks as good as KFC. Christian Slater is also slimey as shit--instant sex appeal.

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Chocolate Ice Cream. I wish more movies were this fucked up and oily

The Town

Boosh here.

The Town proves that Ben Affleck becomes mild-saucely retarded without his smarter butt-buddy Matt Damon. While the film develops some sad and serious themes and has goodish acting, there are some serious moldy-ass plot holes. You can tell Afflack thought Pearl Harbor was a good movie.

Retarded Shit #1

Somehow, these so-called experienced bank robbers shart their pants during the first robbery—when someone knocks on the door. How the fuck do you rob a bank in broad daylight and expect an awkwardly parked van to stop people from going to the bank? They continue sharting as they take that ho’ hostage, not needing her at all except to give Affleck another sex scene. The robbers then wait a couple hours AFTER kidnapping her to tell each other that they’ve fucked themselves in their own buttholes—really really hard.

Retarded Shit #2

What’s the best thing to do after nearly getting caught robbing a bank? Rob another fucking bank. These dipshits seriously rob a new place every fucking week. Afflack has only robbed 8 places before in his life, and he seems to have been doing this for a while, so how the fuck do they get on this Monday night bank robbing schedule?

Retarded Shit #3

Some Afflack ball-garglers might say that these robbers only robbed because they were forced to—by the old man Fergie. No.

This foreskin faced old man is the “godfather” figure in this movie. The guy who has a huge posse and is always protected. Except here he dies by squeezing his dick too hard. Afflack clearly wants to kill him the whole time, but he waits until all his friends die to smang his ass. Afflack most likely wrote the script this way so he could jerk off to being the sole survivor every time he watches his own movie.

Retarded Shit #4

The Boston accent needs fucking subtitles. The actors don’t even know what they were saying half the time, probably because all the scripts were covered in Afflack’s lonely sperm.

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Poop. No halfway ratings here. Overrated. An “eh” movie. It’s hard to take all the shit seriously, when you know so much of it could have been avoided by not being fucking stupid. If someone else had written the script this could have been really good. But it’s not. Great actors, stupid script.

Old Stuff Smell like Poop (OSSLP): The Godfather

Boosh here.

I’ve seen Blade Runner, and that movie was slow as fuck. Blade Runner came out in 1982. The Godfather came out in 1972. I extrapolated the slow-as-fuckness of Blade Runner 10 years back to get to The Godfather. Mmm not too tasty.

Yah, it’s considered a classic. So was Casablanca, and that shit's old. So I thought The Godfather was going to be one of those movies where you try really hard to like it, become impotent for several weeks, and then say you like it to feel less lonely. Forever alone….

Nah, I thought it was pretty good. Al Pacino had yet to develop his loud serious freakout voice and his slimey cadence where I can’t take him for cereal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s81gWFanDO0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HURJNd0J4U (start 1:15, when he says “asshole”)

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Chocolate Ice Cream, with expectation of poop that was never realized. 

The Lincoln Lawyer

Boosh here. I wish I could tell you to dump the body in the ocean, but I can’t.

The Lincoln Lawyer = Matthew McConaughey taking a break from Rom-Coms. The end.

Poop or Chocolate Ice Cream?

Chocolate Ice Cream. With poop smears. Entertaining, but only worth watching once. If you’re picky with your movies, blow your load elsewhere. Otherwise, nervously watch this movie, commit a sassy murder, cover it up passionately, and hire Matthew McConaughey.

I didn't hate this movie enough to put this in the main part.
A sexy-ish movie, but don’t think about the logic too deeply. Normally, plot holes ruin movies. Here, they can be ignored more easier-ish-ly than plot holes in most films, even for a crime movie. Couple of blips and uninspired murder reactions hurr and thurr, but these skid marks don’t take away from the entertainment too much. 

Normally I charge $1000, but I’ll give you $300 cause your sexy.

Sucker Punch

               
                Boosh here.
                After watching Sucker Punch, I tried sacrificing my friend for choosing this movie. Love you Shwarma Wonda.

               You’ve all heard the bad shit about this movie. Bad plot, bad acting, bad dialogue and badminton. Worst of all, Zack Snyder tries to fit in some deep moral message at the end of the film to make himself feel like he can write. Fuck no.

             The only reason anyone would watch this movie would be for the boobies and blood. Bloodlust and boners—nothing wrong with brainless fun. However, Sucker Punch delivers only the mildest sex and flaccid-est violence.

            The ladies wear too much clothing. High school girls on Halloween do better.

No sex scenes—fuck that.

Fight scenes were cool at first. Then got repetitive and boring. He resorts to repeating the same poop, hoping that after 1000 times, his audience will understand that slo-mo means that this shit is….EXXXTREME!!!! He is unable to imagine anything beyond visuals, so he jerks himself off with close-ups and Slo-Mo throughout the whole fucking movie and faps even harder during the fight scenes.

If there was some sort of struggle during the fight scenes then maybe the slo-mo would have been bearable, but there isn’t. The girls are invincible and untouchable, pissing unicorns and shitting miracles. Without any struggle, the fight scenes blow. The girls need to get more fucked up while fighting—torn clothing, fa dunks, and boob scars. That’s where sex appeal and violence mix. That’s what makes these movies interesting-ish.

                Like a little bitch, Snyder diarrheas on the only redeeming qualities of his movie—sex and violence—to get a PG-13 rating, killing any potential this movie had. VERY PUSSY! The only reason Snyder would do this would be to get more teenage boys to watch. Sadly, they will all go home flaccid as fuck and just watch some porn.

                If you’re going to make a bullshit movie, you better stick to the bullshit. Snyder had some good ideas, but he prematurely ejaculates before any of those ideas become something good.

Poop or chocolate ice cream?

Poop. Shit. Sprinkled with chocolate, which on closer inspection is just lumpy poop. Only worth watching the following scenes: introduction of mayor, Vanessa hudgens scream in helicopter, the tossing of the map (higher and higher), maybehhhh the first two fight scenes (steam powered germans). Most of the movie is bad, some parts of the movie are okay, and when you put everything together it’s just a whirlwind of pubes.